I was corresponding with a friend today that i haven't spoken to in a while.
I thought I should share one of my messages;
"I have had a really awful year. Struggling with my grief. But feel as though I am getting better control of my emotions.
I feel like I hit a point at the start of this year where everyone felt I should be ok now. That I should be moving on and just dealing with it.
It felt like no one cared anymore. And no one had the energy to support my grief anymore.(with the exception of my very close friends)
When the reality was I hit grief at it's worse. I came out of the ..'I can do this, I can fix him, I can cure him, I will DO everything I can and he will be fine' stage. Into the realization that no matter what I do, I can't send this away. Wether he dies young, or lives for many years needing my constant help and support..the future is going to be sooo hard. And very scary.
I hit a huge road block in a way.
I had a lot of anger. And pretty much hated everyone and everything. Hence why I ended up in fights with lots of people. And failed to return friendship to others. I guess this stage of my grief was the hardest for others to take. Unless you experience this first hand you can't understand the unforgiving grief I face EVERYDAY. People couldn't understand why I was getting so hard to deal with and why I really didn't care about anyone's life but my son's and my own. And why I made so many mistakes with friendships, but just needed to be forgiven.
During this I started to realize the true reality of my life. That everyone else will move on. And expect me to move on. They will just see Master 3 as he is. I love him to bits, but I will always still see his pain, and witness his delays and struggles. Even if everyone else starts to forget for me it will never go away.
So I have to learn for the most part I am on my own. No one can really or TRUELY give me the emotional support I need. I need to find that from within.
Not many will understand what it's like to have held my son, and wanted him die, to take away the pain for him and me, but in the same breath wanted so badly to have him forever. Not many will understand that I am not making excuses for my bad behavior, the mistakes I make, not being there to support others, or lack of care for others menial issues, I am not trying to 'milk it', or think I deserve everything on a silver platter because I have a child with special needs.
It's just MY LIFE. And there is not much I can do to change it.
So I am just trying to do the best I can with what I have been given. And give my family what they deserve."
My friend replied, and I hope she doesn't mind i shared;
"Oh wow, I dont know how to respond but i feel i must.....
I totally hear you, I don't "know" because I am not living your life, but I am always listening, I hear you, I care. I am open, Say what needs to be said, I will give my ear and my compassion. ( I hope you understand what i mean by this!)
I don't think anyone can or should judge you for anything, you are on a journey none could imagine. It must be so intense and so full of emotion, I think its a testament to the woman that you are that you continue to feel so much. After so many years of grief, many would numb and move on. But your heart is so full of love, and your life so full of extremes that how else to react than with emotion???
I am so sorry to hear that he is weaker than he was, that must be heartbreaking for your family. I think your grief process sounds like a natural progression...and even though it would be hard, its probably a good evolution. It is a parents natural reaction to want to work really hard to help a child overcome anything, and you "i can fix this " attitude is what we would all want to do. But as you say, its reality that it wont go away, and all you can do is take it as it comes. Grief is always a rollercoaster though!
You are right that you need to rely on your own strength to get through this as people will start to move on and you will be faced wit it every day......but I dont think that means that people will stop caring.
A quote from the Buddha " let yourself be open and life will be easier" is something I always bring to mind - be open with yourself and open to others and more understanding will happen. I dont mean life will be a piece of cake! Or all the troubles will go away! But sharing can make people understand and empathise more and bring up more compassion - and if they react negatively ( like the silver platter comments or excuses for your behaviour comments) they is their issues, and they arent living open heartedly."
its always so nice to get a perspective from someone else. To realise that its not as bad as you think. although some people want me to move on, and cant bare the continuous hard part of my life, there are still many who are a 'shoulder to cry on', when I really need it. Its nice to be reminded that although people go on with their own lives, that they do still care.
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